I feel like an eternity has gone by, but only two months have passed. Since I've moved away from home to be with my husband time seems to have stopped working normally. The first two weeks my husband and I were married I kept losing time. I would have a whole plan laid out for the day and then all of the sudden it was 5pm and I hadn't done any of it. Time just seems to disappear. I either have too much or too little and that leaves me with an odd feeling of limbo where I'm not quite sure where I am.
Thus the title. I feel a little like Alice in wonderland when she first falls down the rabbit hole. She's floating upside, down right side up, she's big, she's small, she's passing so many doors of all shapes and sizes and all I can do is continue to fall and run into random pianos.
My poor husband. He doesn't know what to do with me. He can tell me a joke at which I will laugh hysterically at one moment then tell me the same joke 2 minutes later and I will burst open crying saying how insulted I was by it. The poor man doesn't know whether to try to hold me or run away from me. But he is a great man and has stood by me through every mood swing and forgiven me all of the random whatever that I throw at him. And he still gives me back rubs. What a great guy.
Now at first I didn't know what the heck was going on with me. I thought before I got married that I was a good stable woman who could handle hard things and enjoy life. I was completely proven wrong when I made this move. I felt like the weakest person in the world and the last kind of woman cut out to be an army wife. And so the hysterics continued.
But then I began to reach out to those around me, and I found a strange thing. Friends. I have never felt like a particularly popular person and whenever I have gone somewhere new it has been extremely difficult for me to make friends. Up until now I've always had my family close to me and so if I didn't have friends I was still OK because I still had a support group. I am now halfway across the country from all of them. Maybe it was bravery or maybe it was shear desperation, but I had to reach out to those around me. I found friends. I found people who could make me laugh, who I could make laugh. I found people who understood when I told them that I was afraid of this new life. People who not only understood but then offered comfort and support.
The past few weeks my storming emotions have begun to calm, but instead of going back to where I was before, I've felt myself settle into something a little bit new. I am still the same person I always was before, but I have a new life now and a new life requires a new outlook.
I am happy. Not in the sense of oh these things have made me happy. I am happy in the way that I know my heart is filled. My heart is filled with love and blessings. I have friends, I have family and I have my husband and my heart is filled with the knowledge.
The only way I can think of to explain this is to imagine a scale. My emotions can swing down and I can be sad for a time. My emotions can also swing up and I can be happy for a time. but there is always a middle space the is kind of neutral. I'm neither happy nor sad but I am still good. This neutral area I can label as "OK" or "good" if people ask me how I'm doing. But there are times, and this is one of them where that neutral area stretches upward just a little bit. I can still go through highs and lows, but the steady constant that I come back to is happy.
It's better than OK. It's better than good. I cannot live in ecstatic, but I can live in peace. That peace to me is deep happiness that cannot be shaken. The only thing I know of that cannot be shaken in this world is Christ. He is my rock and my salvation. He is the reason I can smile and say "I am happy." He is the reason I can smile and say "I am at peace."
He suffered so that we might have joy. To have His joy does not mean to never be sad. Glory in our redeemer. He will steady you as he has steadied me.
I am at peace.
I am happy.
I like reading your blog. Things are as new for you as they are for me, only mine is + kids. I find strength in your strength when right now I find only weakness. I seem to have slipped on some sort of extreme that is uncommon and often put off like it will turn out to be normal. I always had strength in my hard situations before, and now I can barely get out of bed to take care of my family. My support system is nil. Even at the church. And my faith is taking a dive because of it. I am definitely a wandering sheep looking for direction. So thank you for sharing your strength.
ReplyDeleteCherisse, I'm sorry to hear things are so hard for you right now. You will be in my prayers. You have a sweet family--I know there are difficulties, but you have insight and strength to meet those difficulties. Every day that you get up and care for those boys and your husband, you are making history, a sweet history they will value. Hold on to faith.
DeleteI remember when you were very little, you would go up to the podium and bear your testimony to the congregation. Unfailingly, people would say how powerful your young testimony was. That same eloquence and power is so evident here. Thank you for sharing your feelings in this way. What an honor to be your mom!!
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